Avoid Spousal Homicide During Covid | Top 10 Tips

Homicide therapy for the average folk.

Today I Vowed Not to Kill My Partner. And I didn't. So "congratulations to me"!

Let me preface this with: I have no intention on being the main character on the next popular Netflix documentary titled “Stay at Home Mom Murders her Husband during Covid-19 Isolation.” So there is no need to warn your local authorities. My husband is safe and my mental senses are intact (most of the time).

That being said, most people can probably honestly admit that any lengthy periods of time spent with your partner can usually lead to intense feelings of discomfort, claustrophobia, rage and insanity. And unfortunately, children may intensify this effect. These feelings can often inspire urges to ‘take your partner for a drive’, you know…Al Pacino Godfather-Style.

But for those of you who have NOT felt these urges you are either:

A. A Saint sent from the heavens above to grace your spouse with the most amazing life experience ever.

B. A raging, happy, alcoholic who is oblivious to the reality your marriage.

C. In complete denial.

D. Have no kids and live on a fancy yacht*.

E. Have an enormously large house to get lost in and you often forget your spouse lives with you.

or....

F. You do not have a spouse and are using your cat as your test quiz partner (which is an automatic disqualification).

*If you do not have kids and live on a fancy yacht – first of all I would like to say thank you for ready my little ol’ blog post and please pass this onto your rich friends who like to donate large sums of money to poor blog post writers. And more importantly if you HAVE ever felt murderous urges while on your fancy yacht, I would suggest changing your real estate to something a little more terra firma so that when these urges suddenly arise you can safely distance yourself more easily from the situation. I do not think jail would be a good place for you. Just sayin’ fancy yacht vs. jail, I think you would be greatly disappointed with the living quarters and the service. But I digress. Moving on…

So, I would like to start by saying, if you read this blog post title and thought “Oh thank god, this is going to be helpful” while aggressively nodding your head, then fate has led you to the right place.

You see, I once was a naïve spouse thinking my marriage was just great, until I realized that I actually just didn’t spend that much time with my husband. He worked days, and I worked nights. It was a great, a great marriage. Until one fateful day I decided I would like a day job instead. Unfortunately we weren’t prepared for the repercussions of actually spending more time with each other. This proved to be more difficult than I had anticipated. The ol’ adage, ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder’ is still floating around for good reason here people. However, the damage was done and we were stuck with each other EVERY NIGHT.

Well, let me tell you – that was an adjustment. And because this adjustment happened AFTER our vows of marriage, we naturally felt a bit obligated to at least pretend we meant the ‘till death do us part’ vow. But couldn’t we all agree that there should be an asterisk at the end of that particular vow with our list of exemptions below? However, we rallied. I creatively instilled a few new daily habits. And a marriage which was well on its way to requiring separate bedrooms, was on the mend.

And then of course came the adjustment of parenthood and then, murphy’s law, the world hits us with another crazy blow and hellooooooo , in walks Covid - a world wide pandemic. Like we didn’t have challenges in life already.

But in times like these, I have to remind myself that all you have to do is get a bit creative as sharing a house with your spouse do not have to be an impossible task.

And I know what some may be thinking, “But how I’m I going to survive continual, repetitive exposure to my partner? And the constant interactions? And the real face to face conversations? How will we both make it out alive when in reality I was ready to wave the white flag only a few weeks into this pandemic? Who will be the one left standing? And damn, I really should’ve upped our life insurance in case it comes to a Wild-West-Style pistol draw and I win.”

However, I’m here to tell you guys, it can be done…(insert slow head nod here)…it can be done. Not the shooting each other part…the both making it out alive-part. Just to clarify that. So, with a few simple habits added to your daily life, you can survive isolation with your loving, devoted, not-so-funny, somewhat irritating, nagging partner…Yes, it can be done!

So without further ado….

Top Ten Tips on How to Avoid Spousal Homicide During Isolation.

01. If you partner is a ‘DOER aka BUSY BODY’

Create a list of the things you would love to have done and tell them for every project they complete you will give them a reward* (* insert your incentive here). Be sure to distribute gold stars or a pat on the back after each completed task. "Doers" love gold stars.

02. If you partner is a ‘WATCHER aka LAZY BONES’

Hand them a list of Netflix shows you think they would like, smile and say “I heard excessive screen time makes you live longer.” Then write a list of things to do with all your alone time.

03. If you partner is a ‘NERD aka KNOW IT ALL’

Make a list of things you need them to ‘research’ for you. Why polar bears are white? The real difference between AWD and 4WD? What is the difference between a psychopath and sociopath… and do you think the neighbors possess any of these traits? This should keep them busy for a while.

04. If your partner is ‘CUDDLY aka SUPHOCATING'

Simply reduce the frequency of your bathing routine, decrease oral hygiene or increase your anchovy intake…they’re full of healthy fish oils and no one will want to sit too close to you.

05. Create ‘Cleaning Hour’

Hand your partner a list of chores while you opt to clean the bathroom tiles and grout. Then simply lock the door pull out the stashed pillow, blanket and iPad from under the sink and hunker down in the tub.

06. Tackle Home Exterior Improvements

Curb Appeal is important. So on those sunny days grab a pair of clippers and offer to trim the bushes. Then simply take your coffee mug (filled with wine or actual coffee – your choice) outside for a few hours and proudly say “Mission Complete!” when you re-enter the home. Be sure to add a swipe of dirt on the forehead to increase the ‘believability’ factor.

07. Practice Empathy

...or fake it till you make it. Learn to say “Sorry” or “You’re Right”. This magical relationship tool will bring you joy for many years to come. Simply insert either phrase into any conversation when you start to see your partner’s forehead lines increase and deeply wrinkle and voila…crisis averted.

08. Go for a walk.

Even if it’s only up and down the street. It’s amazing what a walk can do….and even better, include your partner. Walking reduces annoying partner traits…it’s proven in study somewhere written by somebody.

09. Bring back Cocktail Hour.

It’s a great excuse to pour a glass of wine and just sit down and relax. Even better include your partner. Pass the kids an iPad and have a real conversation with your partner. Discuss things like why you think you are less likely to kill one another than your neighbors are. Alcohol also reduces annoying partner traits. No study needed here, the proofs in the pudding on this one. Also see my post “Is a glass of red wine a day really good for you?”

10. Practice Compassion & Gratitude.

Do one nice thing for your partner and tell them one thing your are grateful for about them every day. And no, NOT killing your partner or telling them you are grateful you did NOT kill them, does not count as your daily compassionate or grateful deed.

And if all else fails, keep your head up (or bury it in the sand) and remember….take things one day at a time and repeat the affirmation: Today I will make good choices. Today I will not kill my partner.

Good on you! And hopefully we won’t be seeing your face on the next Netflix series either!