Top Ten Shameful Mom Secrets

Did you know that other moms are lying to you? Yep, they are.

Well perhaps lying is a bit of a strong word. But they are definitely withholding crucial information. Information that would be really good to know. There’s actually a boat-load of stuff our moms never told us about. (Well I have my own theory on the success of procreation, and how if we actually told the real truth about parenthood, perhaps our species would die-off, as no one would sanely choose have children knowing the real nitty-gritty about have a baby. Therefor to preserve our species from going extinct parents lie about how hard it actually is. But we'll save that for another day...moving on!)

Perhaps the truth is not shared because some of these things make moms feel shameful or embarrassed. But here I am, shedding the shame and sharing the truth…. these are just some of my “shameful mom secrets”.

Top 10 'Shameful' ...ahem... Unpleasant Secrets About Being a Mom.

SECRET 01:

You will pee your pants. No joke. Literally. It won’t just be your toddler with wet-pant issues. Our poor vaginas go through such a battle trying to deliver an oddly shaped melon through a way-too-tiny exit door. So naturally this changes things. Some things that are off now limits for me; like sneezing, laughing or wearing light colored pants. P.s. Be prepared for pee to trickle down the leg if you are wearing shorts or a dress. So refrain from hilarious conversations with friends, or be prepared for pee filled shoes.

SECRET 02:

Your car will be nasty. Is it a car or a garbage can? It looks like a garbage can, it smells like a garbage can, but oh wait, there are four tires under there, it must be my car. Yup, it is a car. And all it takes is at least one tiny human and your automotive vehicle has turned into one of the most disgusting things ever. How on earth does this happen? But now you know why all moms open their car doors so slowly and secretly Because they are just praying that no one sneaks a peak of the inside.

SECRET 03:

You will feel guilty about everything. Everything and anything you buy for yourself will be followed by a sense of guilt. There are more pressing things to be purchased in the home therefore you deserve nothing. Or at least that’s how you’ll feel. Even a simple purchase of toothpaste can wreak havoc on the psyche when you want to upgrade to the fancy toothpaste which costs $1.80 more. That’s right, toothpaste NOT ON SALE, can evoke massive waves of guilt. And choosing to take a few minutes to yourself instead of doing the dishes….ohh geez..mama how dare you!

SECRET 04:

Speaking of toothpaste...Oral hygiene falls far down on the list of priorities. It’s actually something that you will have to consciously remember to do. With no real purpose outside of the home, no fresh breath needed, mandatory masks and no real functioning brain power to remember the basics, something as simple as brushing our teeth seems to get neglected and overlooked. And even when you do take the time to brush, there’s usually a child somewhere demanding your immediate attention. Try yelling with a mouthful of toothpaste. No fun! I start off every dentist with a disclaimer that I'm a mom of young kids - other mom hygienists - they totally get it - as for the other ones, be prepared for shame-filled glares during your visit.

SECRET 05:

Sex or a Nap? Trick question actually. Cuz we all know we would choose a nap over sexy-time, hands down every time, however a good nap is simply not possible once you become a parent. So the answer is simple…NEITHER. So you will feel un-sexy and tired. Sounds fantastic hey?

SECRET 06:

One pant goes with all. You literally could wear one pant, the same pant for days on end. Black yoga pants have become a multi-use article of clothing. They can be worn for pajamas, house lounge wear, shopping clothes, they can be dressed up with a pair of boots or strappy sandals, dressed down with a pair of flip flops and yes, apparently, they can actually be worn to do yoga in as well. One day I will try that.

SECRET 07:

You will no longer be intelligent. Against all determination not too…you may become a little less smart. With lack of sleep, changing hormones and poor nutrition (because we often find ourselves eating the left over grilled cheese crusts), our brains slowly start to turn permanently into mush. We start to lose our thoughts mid-sentence. We walk aimlessly around the house trying to retrace our steps in the hopes that we remember what we were looking for in the first place. We desperately yearn for our vocabulary to return so we don’t have to keep saying, “you know that thing” or “what’s that word again”….or we just long for the days when we can…where we can…oh wait, what was I talking about? Never mind. Perhaps it’s just better to smile and nod from now on. Who needs to communicate anyways?

SECRET 08:

Your "special" days will suck. Well..kinda...for some. Now if your spouse is one of those super thoughtful, romantic types who loves to spoil you...move onto number 9; as for the rest of the 99% of you - keep reading. Special days are Mother's Days and birthdays, etc. The best part these days will likely be the construction paper "card" made by your children and the dandelions they picked from the neighbors yard - or perhaps the tacky, overpriced bunch of carnations. And while that’s “nice” and all…where’s f*cking REAL presents? Am I right? Um yeah! So if you want your special day to be filled with great things like a mimosas filled breakfast, presents in pretty boxes with big bows, a reservation for brunch followed by a massage or facial, well you're gonna have to do it yourself. No one will spoil you like you truly deserve. So do what mama's do best - take control, make the plans, pick out your favorite gift, and plan your perfect day…cuz ya'll know we deserve it!

SECRET 09:

You will alternately or simultaneously hate your children and your spouse sometimes, and if not sometimes, then often. And although this sounds horrible, it’s perfectly normal and okay. And if your fellow mamas cannot admit to ever thinking, “what the f*ck was I thinking having kids? Or getting married? I thought this would be fun!” then…they are just LIARS. They cannot be trusted. Find new friends! Out with the old- in with the new. That’s what I say!

SECRET 10:

Bathing is a luxury - adjust to new body odors and body 'fur'. There's a few reasons for this:

• What's that smell? Sorry mama, it's you. Change in hormones causes everything to go out of whack. So when you smell something different, and you feel shocked to find out it's your own body - need not worry - hormones are changing and you will just 'smell' different. Load up on deodorant.

• Long Showers are rare and considered a luxury. Load up on 'body wipes' aka 'baby wipes'.

• Washing your hair…luxury. Because this falls into the long shower category and because by the time we wash our essential parts someone starts crying somewhere, so the hair must wait for another day. Load up on dry shampoo.

• Shaving your legs or any other parts. Embrace your inner ‘furry primate look’ cuz shaving is considered a luxury. Invest in a dry electric shaver for emergencies like wearing shorts or tank tops.

• Going to the bathroom alone…totally rare. Not really a "bathing" things - but definitely belongs on the luxury list. Load up on ear plugs and lock the door behind you!

So share the secrets ladies….shed the shame and set the truth free!

And if you want to stop the real shame spiral...head on over to SHAME-LESS, a place where we can connect with each other, release our fear of judgements, shed the shame and set ourselves free!