A Real Baby Shower Thank You Card - Super Late & Exposing Parent Truths

mama jenny
Jun 27, 2020
9 min read

Updated: Nov 19, 2021

Here we will dive into the reality of writing Baby Shower Thank You Cards, exposing parenting truths, and the $h!t nobody tells you.

My baby was a very new baby when I was thrown a beautiful baby shower. It was great. Everyone was smiling, baby was sleeping and I was showered with many wonderful gifts. How great does that sound? Well, awesome until you fast forward to the part where you have to send out a beautiful crafted thank you letter for every gift you receive. Hand written, personally addressed, including a detailed note thanking each guest for the beautiful organza flowered dress, the 3-layered purple daisy muslin baby blanket or the organic BPA, PVC, and phthalates- free pacifier they gifted you.

Does that sound simple to you? Well as a new mom when you can barely find the time to shower, writing those Thank You cards just seemed f*cking daunting!

My whole life I was almost late for everything. Now I had to take care of an extra human AND find time to complete such detailed work in a timely manner? 'Cause no one likes waiting for a 'thank you'. And don't get me wrong - I was grateful. Super grateful. I am ALL about gratitude. I am grateful, grateful, grateful. But as a new mom when you have the choice between sleep, showering, eating or gratitude...guess which one comes in last place?

However, I tried. I tried multiple times actually. Initially only one month had passed...then two months...then fours months …then ultimately MANY MONTHS had passed. But you know what? I learned a lot during those many months. And finally I found the time to actually have a decent shower AND put the stamps on the thank you cards and pop them in the mail.

So, needless to say, within that time, I discovered all the parenting truths that NOBODY TELLS YOU at your baby shower...or anywhere...ever... and I realized perhaps WHY no one tells you how effing hard having a baby truly is!

Armored with this new knowledge I was determined to share my new found truths with all my guests....also perhaps because it would shed some light as to why my Thank You Cards were so f*cking late. So along with a cute card with a pretty flower on it, and some cute pictures of the not-so-new baby, I included a lovely letter/novel full of my excuses..it goes as follows:

"Dear Mrs. So & So,

Okay, I made it! I survived the first ten months of parenthood. Congratulations to me! And even though parenthood is a ‘joint’ effort, I feel the ‘congratulations’ falls heavily in my favor because George was able to sleep as he was graced with his own bedroom for the first five months. But I would like to take a moment here to thank him for hand feeding me, fetching me water, holding a straw to my mouth and assisting me with the numerous other activities which I soon found out were almost impossible to do while learning to take care of my new baby who permanently attached itself to my hip and other body parts. So I guess I can say ‘WE made it’! We both survived the shell shock that happens with all rookie parents.

I am so thrilled about surviving the baby stage of parenthood that I’m thinking I should write a book. I’m going to title it “I Had a Baby and Lived to Tell About It”. It’s brilliant I know. (Now please let this be our verbal agreement that you will not steal my book title as I have no patents pending. Can you patent a book title? Not sure. I will google that.) And despite the fact I give away the ending in the title; I still feel I have a best seller in the making.

So, as you may have guessed, it’s about surviving while raising a baby. Now, I’m not claiming to be the first mother to survive the first six nine ten months of motherhood; more like the bagillionth (it’s a word, google it). However the difference is…I’m going to be the first mother to actually tell you the ‘honest-to-god-ugly-poopy-sleepless-pukey-truth’ of the not so fun facts of parenthood. So there’s no room for ‘judgey-wudgies’ here people. So if you do feel a judgey twitch coming on already, please pour yourself a BIG glass of wine before proceeding to read my book outline.

So let’s get the gushy part out of the way first. I now realize how being parent changes you for the better, and this miracle we call life will never be dull to me. I’m thankful every breathing moment that we created this creature we call Georgia. I could not imagine life without her. I will elaborate more on this topic throughout my book in order to fend off the ‘judgey-wudgies’. However paper space is valuable here and the envelopes are very small.

So movin’ on…. my book outline:

CHAPTER ONE:

NOBODY EFFIN’ TELLS YOU HOW HARD THIS REALLY IS.

And you know why they don’t tell you? Because our human race would not survive if we really knew how frickin’ hard this whole parenting thing really is. It’s like our genetic disposition is to lie about it once we have survived it. Nay, it is to FORGET about it once we have survived it. Or as I like to call it: Baby Amnesia! Go ahead, ask any ‘parenthood survivor’ and they’ll tell you how amazing it is. So all the childless people are misled by these ‘survivors’ and the Huggies diaper commercials who trick us into thinking that new babies are such adorable, care-free, sleeping, cutsie-pie little creatures. And they lead us to believe that they are this way all the time. Okay, like I have cats. And when they were kittens they were so adorable it was ridiculous. They were sleepy, cuddly, and furry to start. And it wasn’t until they grew up to be lazy, big, messy, food-begging, fat cats did the novelty wear off. So, I figured babies would be pretty much the same. Boy was I wrong! The only thing my kitten and new baby had in common was their fur. (Being half-Greek, she was born with a dark layer of fur –please do not tell her that ‘Teen Wolf’ was one of her nicknames. And don’t tell George I just blamed him for that either!)

CHAPTER TWO:

YOU KNOW WHO’S GOT IT GOOD? GRANDPARENTS, THAT’S WHO.

Grandparents get to play with their adorable grandbabies, spoil them and then go home. So that’s not just a cliché people, it’s real. Being a grandparent is the best because they get to give them back. Okay as I’m saying this I’m realizing something…there may have been some warning signs that I previously ignored. I do in fact remember this grandparent cliché but I did not realize why it was so great to be able to ‘give them back’. I may have also heard something along the lines of ‘children cause sleep deprivation’. However, I may have been distracted and blind-sided by those damn-adorable Huggies commercials that I forgot. Distraction is a devious tool. So, I think our parents do not tell us the real truth about parenthood because they survived it the first time around and they would like to actually enjoy it the second time around as a grandparent instead! And if they told you the real truth it would greatly diminish their chances of becoming a grandparent. For example, if I said “Hey Mom, how much fun was it being a new parent?” and then she said, “Well actually honey, it was awful. I never slept, ate, showered or had time to pee.” I would have been like, “Okay I’m not doing that. I think I’ll take a trip to an Italian vineyard instead!” However, I try not to take this personally. I do believe they have actually forgotten the trials and tribulations of parenthood as they actually suffer from Baby Amnesia. Side Note: I like ‘Undiagnosed Baby Amnesia’ as a chapter title; just not sure how to work this in yet. This is a work in progress people. Bear with me! You are witnessing brilliance in the making!

CHAPTER THREE:

I DID NOT SLEEP FOR SIX NINE TEN MONTHS AND I’M NOT FUC$%*# EXAGGERATING EITHER.

(Great chapter title, I know. But remember our agreement people, no stealing!)

So, the word ‘tired’ has completely changed meaning for me. I regret EVER saying it before. What I felt pre-baby was not tired. Or perhaps it was and now Webster just needs to come up with a new word for ‘tired’ post-baby. How about I use the word “Fausted”. I was fausted for the first six nine ten months. faust-ed: /’fôstәd/adjective. derived from ‘Fucking Exhausted’. Georgia, my sweet-pea-cutsie-pie baby, hated sleep as a newborn and woke up every 20 to 40 minutes. I would feed her then wait at least ten minutes before putting her down to ensure she was really asleep. Then I held my breath as I rolled over, petrified that the sound of moving my sheets would wake her. And just as I was falling asleep she would wake up again. Just imagine yourself all comfy in fuzzy pajamas, curled up in bed, absolutely exhausted, eyes closed and ready for sleep, but not able to catch a single wink… this is the true definition of frustration. So, nope…no sleep for me. What I experienced in that cold, dark, lonely bedroom was like a form of ancient Chinese water torture. All the mothers out there, you know what this feels like. But again, no one shared this kind of information with me. So my Baby Amnesia theory is starting to gain credibility!

CHAPTER FOUR:

PEOPLE SAY “SLEEP LIKE A BABY”…THAT’S A HOAX!

It’s like when Burger King announced their ‘Left-Handed Whopper’ in 1998. (It’s true, google it!) Although it may be less like a hoax and more like an oxymoron. Because to sleep like a baby is the exact opposite of what people imply when they say it. So I would like to write a world-wide memo to forbid its use. Cuz sleeping like a baby, as previously described in the paragraphs above, does not actually involve sleep. I’m sure that the exposure of my bests-selling book will help get that memo out there.

CHAPTER FIVE:

LEARN TO PEE WITH A BABY ON YOUR LAP.

Yup, I said it. Most mothers have done it. But have they actually told you this before…nope! Are you surprised? After reading my brilliantly titled book you won’t be! (Good marketing there right?) This chapter will be short. I’m sure we all get the point on this one. I thought of adding some demonstrative pictures for those who have not attempted this task before. However, I think it’s better to leave it up to the imagination on this one. By the way, I am a master at this now. And Georgia loves playing with or eating the toilet paper roll. So really, it’s a win-win for everyone.

CHAPTER SIX:

I PREVIOUSLY SAID I WANTED TO MAKE A WHOLE CLAN OF BABIES. Ha…that’s funny.

In other words, that ain’t happening. There is not going to be a ‘19 Kids and Counting’ here people! And now that I think of it, I’m pretty sure that lady must been on some kind of hallucinogenic drugs to have to endured that many newborns. Or, she got smart after the first baby. She realized if she produced more than one then they start to take care of themselves. I think she has a smooth running operation there. Although I’m sure my vagina would disagree.

CHAPTER SEVENTY-TWO...THE FINAL CHAPTER:

NOW THAT I HAVE SLEPT A COUPLE HOURS, THIS WHOLE PARENTING THING AIN’T SO BAD.

I think I’m actually starting to forget all the baby trauma/drama already. Good thing I wrote a book about it to document it. Oh wait, I didn’t. I was too tired. All I wrote was this letter. Can you make a best-selling ‘letter’ as opposed to an actual book? I had thought about writing this letter when Georgia was four months old. I actually started it when she was six months old. I edited it once per month since then and am finally printing it now at ten months old. You move a wee bit slower when you’re tired. Geesh! If I decide to write an actual book, I hope I finish it before she graduates. Well, like they say, there’s no time limit for geniusness. (Don’t look that up. It’s probably not a word.)

Anyways…I know you’re thinking, “Why is she sharing all of this brilliant, hilarious material with me?” Well the honest truth is… I don’t actually trust you with my book title or outline. And I am afraid that you will steal this awesome material to make millions off my idea; and it will probably be the next top-selling Oprah’s Book Club book/letter thing. However, I was hoping to distract you with my brilliance so you would forget how incredibly late your Thank You cards is. (Side Note: You can be sure to expect my Christmas cards to come sometime before Easter. I promise!)

So thank you so much for your wonderful gifts. They were a great distraction of what actually was really to come!"

Epilogue:

They say hind sight is 20/20...and that couldn't be more true. If I had known what having two babies was like, I would have enjoyed the simplicity of just one child. So when I get around to it...still working on finding time to shower here people - I would write a sequel to this letter/novel titled: To my former wimpy self!

So stay tuned for The Truths About Parenting: Part Two...

Super-cute, non-sassy, sans curse-words Thank You cards delivered to your front door...thanks Amazon for making parent-life easier!

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full disclosure: links to the amazon marketplace mean that if you click it and purchase something, you will not be charged extra in any way...I pinky swear...I will however receive a small kick-back as a thank from Amazon for giving them a 'shout out' and any earnings will contribute to the coffee and wine required for inspiration for this blog.